AMMA

18.01.1934 – 08.10.2020

Without the help of high heels (that incidentally she never wore) – even standing on tip-toes she would not have achieved 5 feet in height.

I always remember her wearing “Hawaii slippers” as she found them to be most comfortable, even as formal wear.

She never wore make-up, she was one of the lucky women who never needed to.

Sarees – she loved them, her fashion statement was wearing saree, the material differed according to the occasion, cotton, polyester or silk.

She loved traveling – even in her mid-eighties, she would travel in a 20 year old Maruti 800 at the drop of a hat to seek blessings at a temple 600 kms from home.

She had not passed high school, but she had more confidence and managerial skills than either of her sons who had held management positions.

She was my mother – AMMA.

She gave me life.

All mothers’ give birth but Amma gave me life.

I was born of an accident, my maternal uncle a young boy then, was being teased by his sisters, he got angry and butted my pregnant mother in the stomach.

I was born premature in shock and trauma and not many expected me to survive.

Amma had faith – literally the faith that could move mountains, and an unshakeable belief that no harm could befall her children when she was alive.

It was her faith and dedication that kept me alive, she was so protective of me that my aunts for years, were very fond of re-re-re-telling at every family gathering that had it not been for my brother Ajit’s birth, Amma would have carried me in her arms till I attained adulthood.

My maternal grandfather, with whom I was very close often reminded when I sulked, that I was alive only because of my mother’s dedication.

Maybe because of this we seemed to share a special bond. To me she was never wrong – even when I knew she was wrong.

And she could be wrong at times – she had a very narrow band of focus and she would ignore everything that did not come within her focused target at the moment.

She could also be devastatingly charming when she wanted to, and she had a very droll sense of humor and she could keep you in splits especially when she was recounting some personal “escapade”.

Surprisingly, she was not the best communicator, unable to express herself clearly and was often either mis-understood or mis-quoted.

She was fiercely independent – she was very clear that she wanted to live in and run her own household and she did so till the very last 10 days of her life.

She was fiercely loyal – not just to her husband and children, but also her parents, her brother whom she looked after till he passed away and later continued to care for his wife.

She married down, at the time of her marriage, she came from a relatively prosperous family, while my father came from what Dickens would have described as “genteel poverty”.

She was there for her husband while he worked his way up and ran the household and brought up three children. She was not the “wilting flower” type and could always manage to get her own way.

When the chips were down, she would be there for her family. No matter what disagreements we had, and we had many, I could always count on her to be there when I really needed her.

She also had her favorite – though like all mothers she declared herself to be impartial – her daughter Deepika. Most likely as a woman she could empathize with her daughter, she could understand her sons, but the level of empathy was not the same.

This was surprising considering she wanted sons only, it was my father who wanted a daughter.

It was therefore tragic that on her deathbed, surrounded as she was by her husband, sons, daughters-in-law, grandchildren, Deepika and her family could not be present (due to Covid-19).

She was a typical Indian mother-in-law, but gradually mellowed over the years – we did not realize how much until she had passed on.

When the family was gathered at my parent’s residence after her passing, she was remembered with love and affection, nowadays it is my wife Revathi, who keeps remembering her at times – “Amma would have loved this”, “I wish Amma could have seen this” especially when she is tending to her plants – her daughters as she calls them. Revathi and Amma shared their love for plants and flowers, Amma would wait for Revathi to post her latest DP (her plant arrangement especially her flowering plants) and she would be the first to call and appreciate her work. Amma had a special soft corner for Arathi – her younger daughter-in-law, would often praise her (always behind her back) specially for her ability to put up with her son Ajit’s idiosyncrasies (the male members of our tribe (self included) are famous for their genetically predisposed eccentricities).

As a grandmother, thanks to her narrow band of focus, she gave mixed signals. But without doubt, she was most attached to Deepika’s children Shrutika and Kaustubh (most likely as they were “born” in her house), until time and distance widened the gap. As they grew older, Amma started interacting and involving herself with her sons’ progeny and this love was amply demonstrated as they all made time to be present during her final days.

Ajit’s children, Adittee and Arjoon, were lucky to continuously interact with her as they were all residing in Bangalore – but independently as Amma would have it.

She was the only grandmother that Akshay, our younger son knew as his maternal grandmother passed away when he was still very young. Like me, Akshay also shared his first moments after birth with his grandmother. A bond that remained strong though not often demonstrated.

As she grew older, Amma grew close to Aniruddh, her eldest grandson, made closer by their shared spiritual interests.

Amma was “so” looking forward to Aniruddh’s marriage. She had spent years praying for a good alliance for her eldest grandson and when it finally materialized, she could not stop talking about the forthcoming marriage and already made all the preparations as the family matriarch.

Her sands of time ran out………….

One consolation, she met Aditii, our soon to be daughter-in-law at our home in Mumbai. I know that she will be present at the marriage – showering her blessings on Aniruddh and Aditii.

Amma always remarked to me – I see everybody having wine and enjoying, I want to taste wine some time, Anil.

I had decided that during Aniruddh’s marriage that I would give her some watered sweet red wine.

Tarry not, repent not – how I wish we could turn back time to do things we wish we had or undo things we wish we hadn’t………

Amma, I will prepare watered red wine and we (you and I) will raise a toast to Aniruddh and Aditii on their marriage.

Love you and miss you